Dear God, Shoot Me Now
by Wittyheroine
Summary: Paris has an angry streak due to Doyles lack of calls, in desperate need of chocolate, and because she lacks chocolate, sets out to terrify Rory by comparing Tristan to Logan making Rory have the startling realization that Logan is a Tristan rip off.
1. Rip offs, Psychos, and Chocolate

**Dear God, Shoot Me Now**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls. **

_**Summary: Paris has a chocolate craving, an angry streak because Doyle won't call, and decides to terrify Rory by making her realize that Logan is a Tristan rip off. Short fic. **_

Paris Gellar was depressed. Doyle hadn't called. In fact, Doyle hadn't called for weeks. Plus he'd been avoiding her. She needed to do something, to take her anger out on someone...and Doyle wasn't there for her to take her anger out on. She sighed, turned the television on, and flipped through it, searching for something filled with lots of hatred towards men in it. Perferably a movie where the chick gets revenge on an ex-boyfriend.

"Damn it!Why can't we have good television? There's nothing on," she said and she threw the clicker down on the coffee table, crossing her arms in a huff, like a pouty six year-old who hadn't gotten a piece of candy she'd wanted.

Oh, candy, Paris thought, man, that sounds good right now. Particularly something chocolate. Maybe with caffine.

"Maybe I'll go get a chocolate chip frapachino from Starbucks," she said aloud to herself.

The door to the dorm room opened, and Rory came in, shooting Paris an odd look. Of course she would shoot her an odd look. She was sitting in the room with the television on, and staring at the wall after all. "Uh Paris," she said slowly, as though speaking to a psychopath and wary that any sudden movement might make her end up getting hurt, "are you okay there, buddy?"

"I'm not your buddy," Paris said, "you are a woman who is happy and in love and has a boyfriend who calls her back. Currently you are my enemy, and I hate everything about you."

"Hey, don't blame me because I know how to keep a man happy," Rory said, and although Paris knew she meant it jokingly, something about her comment made Paris want to snap.

"Save it sister," Paris said, glaring at Rory, "you may be able to keep a man happy but that doesn't mean that you're truly happy with him."

Rory looked at Paris like she had grown eight heads. "Paris, what are you talking about? I'm completely happy with Logan. He's different, he challenges me, we've got a good thing going right now."

Paris stood up, looking Rory in the eye. "Oh please," she said, "you know that you're just settling."

"Paris, you know those crazy pills your taking? Yeah, I think you need to stop taking them, just you know...lay off the stuff," said Rory, "get some candy instead. Pixie Stick, anyone?"

"Don't use my want of chocolate to distract me!" She snapped. Argh. She had to get that Chocolate Chip Frapachino soon, otherwise she was going to completely and totally lose it. Maybe she'd already lost it. She didn't know. Man, she needed that Chocolate.

"Huh?" was all Rory could say in response.

Good. She'd stumped the walking Wit. Now she could finally rant and blow off some steam. "Has it ever occurred to you that Logan seems really familiar, like a face from the past? I mean, that's what I thought when I first saw him. That he looked really familiar."

Rory rolled her eyes. "Okay Paris, I'll give in," she said, "what exactly are you getting at?"

"Rory, buddy, pal, I'm going to say something that may disturb you, so don't hate me for it, but you've got to know the truth. You, Rory Gilmore, are settling. Logan Huntzburger is nothing more then a pathetic rip off of Tristan Dugrey. They've got the same blond hair, the same wealth,hell, they've both got the weird last name thing going on too, not to mention that you claimed to despise both of them at one point."

"Okay," said Rory, "so they've got some similarities. What's your point?"

"Your dating a Tristan Dugrey rip off, and you're settling for him when we both know you want the real thing because you missed your chance back when you were a Mary and dating Narcolepsy Boy!" said Paris. "And you need therapy to get over your issues!"

Rory cocked her head to the side, seemingly unfazed by what Paris had just said. "You're wigging," Rory told her and with that she went into her room. Or at least she started to, but then stopped right at the door. She opened her mouth, about to say something, but she closed it before she got it out.

Paris smirked. Ah, triumph. It was a wonderful thing. Paris Gellar was right...again.

Not that Rory was going to admit it, but it was her own mistake.

"Now that was so much better then chocolate!" she said, her smirk widdening, and then she went and sat back on the couch, turning back to the television to find something good on. There was no need to do that though.

Doyle called five seconds later.

All was good.

Although she still really did want something with chocolate.

Rory Gilmore paced back and forth in her room. Paris was acting like a mad woman. Apparently Doyle not calling was really getting to her. She felt bad for her friend, but did she really have to say that thing about Logan and Tristan?

God, now it was bugging her.

"C'mon Gilmore, you can't let her bug you," she told herself, sitting down on her bed and stopping the pacing.

What had possessed Paris to bring Tristan up anyway? They hadn't talked about him in years. In fact, he was something they chose not to talk about. He was off limits. He was forbidden.

Damn it...Logan Huntzburger and Tristan Dugrey had nothing in common...nothing whatsoever. They were as different as night and day. Besides, Rory was happy with Logan. The key word in there being that she was _with _Logan.

She had never been with Tristan. That was one thing they didn't have in common.

Rory closed her eyes for a minute, trying to clear her mind. Instead all she saw was a blurred image of Tristan and Logans face together, both calling her by the nicknames they had given her.

Suddenly Rory didn't feel all that great, despite having a boyfriend and one that called.

"Oh man...I want chocolate," Rory said, groaning and rolling over in bed. She cursed Paris for bringing this up. Now she was going to have that image of Tristan and Logans faces together for weeks.

And a really bad craving for chocolate.

This is what she got for rooming with a complete and utter psychopath.

Then she realized it. Paris Gellar was right.

Logan was a complete and utter Tristan Dugrey rip off.

Dear god, Rory couldn't help but think, shoot me now.

**A/N: Okay, so I know it's short and random, but I got the idea at the gym...and you know how that goes. So just be kind. Gym ideas and Gilmore Girls might not go so well together. **


	2. Change dropping worthy

Dear God, Shoot Me Now

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls. **_

**Chapter Two **

**Change dropping worthy **

"Okay, so explain to me again why people obsess over Orlando Bloom when it is clearly Johnny Depp who makes the_ Pirates of the Caribbean movie_?" Lorelai Gilmore said into the phone to her daughter. "I mean, he's a much better actor, and besides Jack Sparrow is totally cooler, not to mention completely nurotic. Orlando, however, is all looks and can't act his way out of a paper bag. Plus, Will Turners kind of sissy and reminds me freakishly of an old fashioned Dawson Leery, with out the blond hair."

"I do not know," Rory told her mom, putting her cell phone closer to her ear so she could hear better. It had been acting weird all week, and she was starting to think that it was going dead on her. "Can you please tell me how we got into this conversation again, because I thought we'd discussed this in the last phone call."

"You told me not to sit here and list Jonny Depp's attributes again," Lorelai, "so I proceeded to go back to the debate about why Johnny Depp is clearly the star of Pirates, and not Orlando."

"Oh yes, because that's a much better conversation," Rory said with sarcasm. She wasn't watching where she was going, and muttered an apology to the person she'd bumped into as she walked in the direction of the coffee cart. "Mom, have you considered the fact that you have the mind of a thirteen year-old girl?"

"Yes, it crosses my mind daily," Lorelai responded, laughing.

"Great, just thought I'd make sure, because I didn't want to be the one to make you face the facts," Rory told her. She turned a corner, being careful not to run into anyone this time. She was on a mission to get caffinated, and she would not be deterred...or injure anyone in the process.

"Well thank you, but enlightenment was not needed, I already knew," Lorelai said, "Luke tells me that I have the mind of a thirteen year-old girl at least several times a day, complete with a roll of the eyes and a shaking head becaue of some random thing I've just said or done."

"Good, then he's saved me from having to do the task," said Rory, "although I rather do enjoy rolling my eyes at you. If I didn't have school, I could do it every day because then I'd be able to witness more of your antics. Unfortunately, those damn professors seem to actually want us to do our work."

"Damn them," said Lorelai, "you want Luke to run them over for you?"

"Why Luke? Why not you?"

"Because, if I go to jail for running over your professors, then you won't be able to roll my eyes at any more of my thirteenish antics," Lorelai said as though it were obvious.

"Oh, of course," said Rory, "I should have realized that."

"Yes, you should have."

Rory reached the coffee cart, a sigh of relief escaping her lips. She was there just in time. There was only one person getting coffee, a tall blond guy who had just started ordering. Good, that meant she would not have to wait long to get her drink. Then she could be completely and fully awake, ready to head off to classes.

"What, you reach the coffee cart?" Lorelai said, apparently having heard Rory's little sigh.

"Yes," said Rory, "I swear, it keeps on getting farther and farther every day...one week I couldn't find it because it was all the way on the _other side _of campus. I had blisters on my feet for three days."

"Poor baby. Lucky for me, I've got a man to make me my coffee and don't have to do mile long tracks to get it," Lorelai said.

"Hey, don't rub it in! I'm coffee deprived right now, that's not funny," said Rory. She was making her way to the coffee cart now, rummaging through her purse for her money. However, she heard something that made her stop in her tracks.

"...and a muffin to go, please," the male voice was saying. It had been the blond by the coffee cart, who was ordering. The voice sounded so familiar, but the person who Rory thought it belonged to could not be here...he could definately not be here. It would just be two coincidental.

The guy turned around as he waited for his order, and Rory found her jaw dropping. "Hey babe, you there?" Lorelai was saying on the phone. Rory was too shocked to answer, unable to get her mouth to move.

Oh man, Rory couldn't help but think, stupid Paris. She totally jynxed me with that random rant the other day. _What the hell is Tristan Dugrey doing here?_

There was a sudden clink, clink, and Rory realized that she had just dropped several quarters on the floor. "Damn it," Rory muttered and she bent down to pick them over, praying to God that he hadn't seen her. He was the last person she wanted to see right now.

"Hun, are you okay? What happened? Who'd you see that was change dropping worthy?" Her Mother said. If she had been there, Rory would have definately been looking at her oddly.

Change dropping worthy? Huh?

Straightening herself up after having picked up her change, Rory said to her Mother, "Mom, what the hell is change dropping worthy?"

"You have much too learn, young Grasshopper," Lorelai said, and then added, "c'mon, you should know what change dropping worthy is."

"No, I don't know," said Rory, "these words you speak are unfamiliar to me. I am Quequeg, and in need of translation."

"Okay, head-hunter," said Lorelai, "change dropping worthy is what happens when you see a really hot guy and he just happens to be so amazingly good looking that, if you were carrying change, you'd drop it because you are just so in shock over his good looks."

"You just made up that defenition right now, didn't you?"

"Maybe," was all she said, "so, c'mon, who was it?"

Rory was about to tell her when she saw Tristan looking this way. He seemed puzzled for a moment, as though trying to figure out who she was. Then a look of recignition crossed his face.

"Oh crap!" Rory exclaimed, noticing that he was about to start making his way over there.This definately couldn't happen. She could not talk to Tristan Dugrey. Tristan Dugrey could not be here, could not be coming over to her here, or anywhere for that matter.

"Hun, are you okay?" Lorelai asked, yet again.

"Mom, look I've got to go," Rory said, "there's someone I don't want to talk to coming, and I just can't deal with him right now."

"But Rory-" Lorelai started to say, but Rory cut her off by shutting off the phone. Then she turned quickly and she headed as fast as she possibly could away from the coffee cart. Rory turned her head to see if he was still following her, and sure enough he was there.

"Go away, Tristan," she muttered under her breath hoping that by some miracle he might hear her, but that was impossible.

Instead, Rory did something she never did. She broke out into a run, as fast as she possibly could, running to her next class, all in an attempt to get away from him. She simply wasn't ready to deal with him.

Tristan Dugray scanned the crowd, certain that she had seen her. The guy at the coffee cart must have thought that he was nuts because the instant he'd seen who he had thought to be Rory, he'd simply shoved money into the guys hands, and then got the coffee, completely leaving the muffin, and heading in her direction.

However, she must have spotted him though, because the instant she did, she had turned and gone away, running as fast as she could. Tristan had managed to follow her for a little while, but she must have snuck into one of the buildings or something to get away from him, and he didn't know Yale well enough to go racing after her.

What was she doing at Yale anyway? The Rory Gilmore he'd knew had been Harvard bound. No other college had been optional. It was Harvard or bust. In fact, as cheesy as it sounded, she had actually been one of the reasons he'd originally gone to Harvard, instead of Yale like he'd planned on going.

It was one hell of a coincidence that she was here, and that she was the first person from Chilton that he saw when he got there. He was certain there were other Chilton alumni here, so the fact that she had been the first one he'd seen had to be some sort of sign, didn't it?

He shook his head and took a sip of his coffee, already having decided to give up the search for her. If he'd seen her once, he had a feeling that he was going to end up seeing her again.

Fate seemed to have it planned that way.

Man Dugrey, he thought to himself, you are acting like a love sick puppy. It's just Rory---just Mary. A high school crush, nothing more. You've gotten over her, you got over her at military school in North Carolina. You are not going to revert back into that crushed wimp you were when you left Conneticuit.

Yeah right, came his own voice right back at him, inside his head, say what you want, buddy. She's had her wrapped around her little finger since the first day you saw her at Chilton, and she still does. You never could quite wriggle your way out of it.

You're right, Tristan agreed silently with himself.

Oh great.

He was talking to voices in his head. It hadn't been tested, but now he was starting to believe that Rory Gilmore really could drive a guy crazy. Maybe he was proof, if he was still in college, and pining over the girl.

He had to be the most pathetic male on the planet.

Rory Gilmore wanted to kill Paris Gellar. Her stupid rant yesterday had brought this upon her. Now, Rory was going to give Paris what she deserved. A nice kick in the ass. "Paris!" she called when she entered the dorm room. She had sat through her classes patiently all day, waiting for a chance to let her feelings explode. Now she had that chance, and she was not holding back.

"Whatever it is you have to say to me, can you hurry it up because I'm kind of in the middle of something," Paris said, poking her head out from her room, keeping her bedroom door closed slightly.

"Paris, c'mon, you're not going to be in the mood when she gets done yelling at you for whatever it is you've done this time, just ignore her and come back over here," came Doyles voice from Paris's bedroom.

Rory felt her stomach lurch, feeling the sudden urge to puke. Why did she seem to have a habit to come into the dorm when Paris and Doyle were busy going at it?

Paris put her head back in the room. "Shut it, Doyle," Paris hissed, "friends come first." She poked her head back in expectantly. Rory regained her composure.

"Paris, you and your stupid rant yesterday jynxed me!" Rory exclaimed, her fury coming out.

Paris looked at her oddly. "Rory, you do realize I have more then one stupid rant a day, right?" Paris said. "Can you be a bit more specific as to which one you're referring to?"

"The one where you broke the rule," said Rory.

"What rule?" Paris asked, confused.

"The rule about not talking about Tristan," Rory said.

"Whose Tristan?" Doyle asked, his voice sounding slightly alarmed.

"Shut it, Doyle," Paris told him, and then said to Rory, "since when did we establish a rule about not talking about Tristan?"

"It was unspoken after the P.J. Harvey thing and we decided to be friends," Rory said.

"I never knew about there being an unspoken rule," said Paris, "and how did my rant about Logan being a Tristan rip-off jynx you? You call honey Dugrey instead of Huntzburger?" Paris's mouth formed a slight grin.

"No, it was worse, and it's all because of you and I'm going to kill you for it," Rory said.

"What could I have caused by that rant that was so bad?" Paris asked.

"You made him come here!" Rory exclaimed.

Paris looked at her oddly. "I made who come here?"

"You made Tristan come here! He's here, Paris. He was at the coffee cart. I saw him with my own eyes and its your damn fault because of your stupid rant and I'm going to kill you! In your sleep! With a screwdriver, through your skull!" Rory yelled, and it was suddenly evident how pissed off she was about the whole thing.

Paris's eyes widdened at what Rory said. "Oh my god!" she exclaimed. "Oh my god---Tristans here!"

"Yes, he's here! I just said that!" Rory shouted.

Paris closed the room to her bedroom door. Rory heard the sound of her hypervenilating, and Doyle tried to calm her down. "Damn it Doyle, I can't be calm! Freaking Tristan Dugrey is here!" came Paris's angry voice.

The door opened, and a frustrated looking, (fully clothed, thankfully) Doyle came out. He glared at Rory who was still standing in the same place she had been when she was yelling at Paris, trying to calm herself down.

"Damn it, Gilmore, can't you yell at Paris when I'm NOT about to get lucky!" Doyle said, and he stormed out of the dorm room, slamming the door shut behind him. Rory simply blinked, not really caring that he was pissed.

If Rory was freaking out about Tristan being there, then Paris had to be freaking out about Tristan being there. She would not be the only one running from the coffee cart. If she got deprived of coffee because of Tristan, then Paris had to too. Otherwise it just wasn't fair.

**a/n: So after much encouragement from you, my lovely reviewers, I wrote a chapter two. Hope you liked it. I know its short, but I'm just writing this as it comes to me. On with the reviews: **

**Sarksgirl04: Glad you found it humerous. That was the intention. **

**Denaliyasha: You are welcome. I'm glad you liked it. I know, I had the same thoughts too when I saw Logan. **

**babygirl1990: I was, but I have been encouraged to write more. So you get more. :) **

**ellekinser: Yeah, I'm shocked Paris never said it either. I keep waiting, but the writers appear to have forgotten Tristan :( so I wrote my own little version of what I thought would happen. As to the thing about Dean being Narcolepsy Boy----Lorelai called Dean that in the episode after Rory's dance (I think it was the one after Rorys dance, may have been a little while after) when Dean came buy to apologize and Lorelai found him by the window. **

**faireangel: Thank you. I aim to please. **

**JessicaJ: Thanks. And as asked for, you got your second chapter. It will be a full story. **

**Hopes2high: I agree completely. Glad you liked it. **

**Kriti: I am taking your advice. Thanks:) **

**konstantine52: Thanks. I'm glad I'm not the only one whose noticed. I'm glad you liked how I wrote Paris. **

**LoVe23: Thanks. :) **

**Sum41Rocks: About time, huh? Tee hee. Glad you liked it. **

**KStover: So, I've taken your advice and continued the story. So, Tristan's back. What do you think? **

**Anyway, thanks you guys for the lovely reviews. Glad you all like the story especially since it started out so random. **

**Love n' stars, **

**Cambria **


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